hurting heart

私が願うのは あなたとの絆だけ
色褪せない約束をこの胸に刻んで

2008年2月26日火曜日

I love Bata so much...

...so much that if Bata ever made football boots I'd be the first to wear them.

So last weekend, before I went off to dinner from KB town, just as I went into the car I saw the Bata store, and I thought, "hm, my shoes are liek, 4-5 years old already, I need new ones" and got them - a size-9.5 Bata shoes that feels like they're gonna last for a very long time like most of their stuff are.

But D: the first day I wore them the computer lab smelt of some weird incense.

...OMFG, EVEN NOW, MY NEW SHOES STILL STINK X_X and to think I slept under this goddamn smell...

So D: these shoes should stop smelling like zinc powder. Any suggestions?

2008年2月23日土曜日

HID

On its earth was I born
And it is also where I will perish
That is what I yearn for
And what I pledge

Its heavens, supreme
Its ground, fertile
My homeland, peace and harmony
Its beaches, magnificent
Its air, pristine
Thus my pledge is stronger, forever more

Under the guidance of My Lord and the command of His Majesty
I shall devote myself - for the creed of Independence
To all corners of the earth, shall I proclaim
Glorious Brunei Darussalam

2008年2月16日土曜日

Feeling left out

You know, reading all of my old friends and acquaintances moving on and getting nice jobs make me feel dejected.

Yea, I shouldn't really feel like this and instead take them as an example and work towards my degree which will be unique because it is first-press and is prolly coveted in the country (and not yet in other countries must I add), but I feel like I am comparable to all of my friends who's getting nice jobs or such, no disrespect to those who are TPing, but I'm still in limbo at UBD which is a "last resort" for anyone off an A-level, while everyone else took their honours abroad and finishing it with style.

Hopefully I'm taking my degree programme in 4 years (this is the last hurdle). Then what else? I'm bad at interviews, my CV is empty, my job opportunities with this "never before existed" degree (which is prolly not even 2nd-class at this rate) is gonna be very limited. I may even end up teaching, something I sworn I'll never do.

There was always this statement I read in all those "get rich" books that said schools don't teach you skills to actually be successful in life. Having lacked the social skills all my life I'm now confronted with the reality that people who have them can talk their way into a job like Faizal or Zair (not that I'm saying that they did it all just by talking), and someone like me will just get shoved into the locker. Or pavement.

You know the first time I felt this was at the dinner before my BSP Assessment Centre. Hj. Shah was talking to the assessors like some smooth operator while I was mute. Then one assessor talked to me and asked if anything was wrong. She reassured me that the assessment won't start until tomorrow, but of course I know she's lying - Shah blazed the assessment and got it while a staggering old me who had never repeatedly said prayers loudly in the middle of thinking but did that day, and citing explicitly of my mental exhaustion which was probably why I never got it, had only a participation card as a souvenir.

So, in the working world, attitude is important, especially in a high-earning, private-sector job (you only need a family friend for the gov'ts...). I'm born with the wrong attitude and I expect it to finally bite my ass when I'm done with academics and start applying it. Without that other essential skill.

2008年2月14日木曜日

HVD

I've thought of calling her up today...

...but thought better of it.

No use disturbing a couple's sweet time together.

2008年2月2日土曜日

My outing with Safoora

On Wednesday I was, like, tentatively asking her out on this day. So we agreed, because I don't wanna wait any longer after a decade of not seeing each other.

This morning, I woke up at 9 and got prepared, only to get a message by her saying I should reschedule to around 4 because she has "other commitments", mmhm. Wasted the day playing FIFA Manager 08.

She came at 4:30. My mom woke up, but I was really surprised that she didn't take any interest to meet her - this is the girl that her son is crazy over for almost the whole of his life, lol. And at least they have talked to each other before anyway.

She's so pretty... She's really the complete package of a person - even from humble belongings, she's a working woman from the age of 22, fashionable, has numerous links to powerful people in Brunei and aspires to become one of the most successful women in the world. Her boyfriend's working in BSP - every Bruneian girl's dream (i.e. loaded bf).

We actually didn't know where to go so I said the heck, let's just go to Gadong, and we ended up at the Mall (where else... ~_~) along the way we talked about our goings-on, especially of what she's up to.

We ate at Fusion. But, oh gawd. I should have known better. She's so picky with food, she actually ate 20% of what she ordered... and that was because of my own provocation (you know me, I'll never allow myself to eat alone when with someone). Anyway, since she's the daughter of a fisherman, she only eats fish 90% of the time.

Then it became a motivational talk. Ah, for once, it's given by someone I admire and respect. Actually she'd been a quite negative person before she went to Curtin AU. This strengthens my belief that you'll improve your behaviour and manner and outlook in life if you go overseas and broaden your horizon. Remember what I told you ah, people who are now abroad.

But yea, she saw that I am able to analyse my psychological weaknesses, but yet I am resistant to these changes, due to peer pressure and loss of self-belief. She asks me to look at the mirror to start liking myself. I'll try. Oh no, does this mean I need to look at some fat ugly person more
now, and actually start to _like_ him? Gimme a break. Get away from my sight you ugly person you!

...I was just joking. She's a very good counselor, just proof of her success (she told me each person have their own definition of success, and you mustn't follow theirs - follow yours instead!) as a working woman with money in the bank and dozens of suitors waiting (including yours truly).

She told me about her concerns that her little sisters aren't doing as well as her. That's ridiculous, they should really see Safoora as a role model to them. Come on girls, don't let her be the only breadwinner!

By then it was already 8PM so I said that's enough for today and paid the consultation fee. On the way home, I told her about my family (something I thought she knew...) and asked about our ex-classmates' whereabouts. Apparently I don't know as much as her, shame on me.

Well, that's that. No sentiments of love or something (although when we were talking about Siti Afidah I said "after you, she's the one I cared about most") but it's so relieving that I've seen her after a decade of wait. Yeah, I guess next week she'll be going with another of her male friends (with her bf's endorsement, similar to the one for me) ... zzzzzz noooo I wanna be the special one, we were the real couple then at SR Lumut.... asdfdafdsgsffsga nooooooo T_____T