Going the mile

I've had a "safe" mentality since I was very young, because I fear pushing myself and getting nothing - even losing something - in return.

"If you don't buy the ticket you don't win the raffle," football commentators say. But I have such shit luck that I'll never win it even if I buy thousands of tickets.

But what is luck? There are some people in this world who do not believe in luck. "The more I practice, the luckier I got," said a famous golfer. Others coined luck as Learning Using Correct Knowledge.

But I can't imagine myself doing something that takes a lot of effort, even though there is a big reward at the end, because I don't believe that I will achieve such reward, and fall flat on my face while people laugh at me. I've long been and will always be a failure, because I have tasted enough failures till I don't even bother to compete anymore.

Maybe this is why I don't see where my talents are (if I ever had any) because I've been second-best all my life. Everytime I do something I will go "someone else can do better". There are always unbelievably talented people at every corner, people that humble you and put you in your place whenever you start to feel good about yourself. These people slap you in the face when you smile. And if you are REALLY that awesome in something, you may be a total idiot in another. There is no perfect person in this world, and those who aim towards it are fools.

I hope I can survive in the working world. Being the immature and hard-headed piece of trash I was at school, I was even suicidal - but I saw where I did wrong as time passed, so you can't accuse me of not growing up. The question now is, am I mature enough to face the next challenge?

I seek pity from others because I have none of that coming from me - I have no self-belief. Because I repeat mistakes I've sworn not to do again. That's the biggest thing I hate about myself, more than my looks or my other inabilities. I never learn from my mistakes. I can grow up, and get things right a million times inbetween, but I will eventually make that mistake I had done the previous a million and one turns before.

I'm sorry for being human. So should you. Especially with people who aim for perfection around.