Announcement

Praise to Allah, for that on the 24th of this month, I will be embarking on the Holy Pilgrimage.

Makan Wida is on the 17th at 4pm, my house. You are all invited.

I'd like to keep a log of sorts while I'm there, but I still haven't decided on how to do so.

SHR '10

自分を許さなきゃ　人も許せない
You can't forgive others  if you don't forgive yourself first

Selamat Hari Raya to all of you out there. Please forgive me for all the misdoings I've caused you.

...but still I'm also sorry that I may not be able to visit you this year. Our house is still in a mess due to the renovation work that was a little behind schedule so I'm busy with moving all the stuff around the house. I don't fancy the chances of us opening the house - but that happens every year anyway.

Some more ranting

So... halfway through fasting month, it's been a lonely bulan puasa. And looks like it'll the same thing come Raya.

Well, you don't need friends to do your ibadah. Of course. But Islam ain't anti-social either.

I just played a game with a hero with a sheltered upbringing who is just utterly clueless about the harsh truth of the real world. I may not be as bad as him but, drawing similarities between me and him, I just have this feeling that perhaps people have that extra edge with their social skills in life to endure things like doing paperwork, managing their time or even landing a job.

What do I think about the whole thing? I still think it is learnable to be social but it's an expensive thing. You have to constantly put your time and money in, just like a car needing fuel and maintenance to move. I don't have that much money anymore. So I just can't do it anymore.

"It's only a phone call away" - but it's more than that. I'm a guy who always think of myself as a liability to others, people want to get rid of me. They always rain check on me whenever I try to do something with them, and you already know how I hate rejection. I'd feel embarrassed to no end.

The only thing that kept me going with them was my riches and when that's gone, I have nothing else to offer. We are just too different. I don't watch movies or shit, just living in my little 2D world and the universe inside. ...okay fine there is football but I don't like those fans who diss on other clubs and their supporters.

"Celebrate our differences" is a load of bull. If it was true there would be no genocide or racism.

Funny or dumb?

You may know that I have a weird sense of humour - one closer to humility. I say lame things or pretend that I am doing something stupid, for comical purposes.

Well, first I will trace this to an old Malay teacher of mine, who is full of controversy but nonetheless, a thought-provoking and inspirational one. He once said something like: "Pretend you're stupid in front of someone to make him feel important. That way you'll get on his good side."

In my twisted sense of logic it was true. People are egoists, and seeing someone that is less intelligent would boost his or her confidence. You will soon be their "understudy" and soon enough, they'll teach you things that you actually don't know in the first place.

Over the years, I've been making lame comments and even space out or make mistakes on purpose, usually an idiotic thing that (in my eyes) would be humorous to others, based on what my Malay teacher said. All in the hopes of making them see me as a good person. Because for everything else back then, I was a wreck and an insensitive person, on top of all the immaturity and emo.

When I think about it now, well, I think it backfired into making people think I am actually incapable of doing things...

Half the time I don't tell that I did it on purpose, and what's worse, people may not believe that I did do it on purpose "just to save my face". So now, we have everyone laughing not because I made a lame joke, but because they think I'm an idiot.

I should really think about making more positive jokes on myself, because unlike what I've been used to thinking, it doesn't take some self-beating to appease everyone.

Happy Energy Day 2010

This message appropriately brought to you by Mikoto Misaka.

Let me tell you an anecdote of mine when I was living in SMPJN's hostel.

I was, in my senior years, part of the student committee as head of the accomodation block I was staying at. On curfew at 10pm, I'd have a little personal round not just on my block but throughout all the hostel blocks; switching off all the lights that would have remained on had no one else turned them off. Bathroom lights, hallway lights, storeroom lights... you name it. The warden caught me one night and I explained what I was doing. I didn't imagine him mentioning this to everyone in the next weekly assembly. I was chuffed when he highly praised me and telling the others how precious energy is, the financial and environmental loss caused by electrical wastage and to let them know how lucky they were for not paying the bill. He then assigned each block leader to switch off all lights and not just room lights on curfew from then on. I hope the practice is still done today.

What I did may not strike you as life-changing at best, but a little goes a long way into helping our environment and the world. Remember our victory in '08? Though there won't be any prize this time around, I want you to pledge again at esaving.com, the official site for Brunei's very own Energy Day.

To do this you will have to pledge to do the S.O.S. from 9am to 9pm today:

1. Switching off lights when not needed. Also expandable to other electrical appliances.


2. Turning off the water heater after use. My family has always practised this.


3. Turning up the air-conditioner to 24° or at least one degree higher than normal use. We all know that air-cons are energy-guzzlers, so setting it to this temperature will make it consume less energy.

That is all, and thank you for reading. On behalf of my mentor and electric esper Mikoto Misaka, I wish you all a happy and safe Energy Day.

Value Our Precious Energy.

BS

Ever have those moments when someone is talking bullshit and the person listening to it actually knows about this but is pretending they don't know?

I've been there. On both sides.

Everyone's on twitter now, I know. If you haven't noticed, me too.

Wow...

December already.

I really have no comment on what 2009 was for me.

Oh well, let's knuckle on. Next year is World Cup year! Yay.

Oops

My utterly erratic tongue nearly slipped something that shouldn't be said today, fortunately I didn't.

Whew.

Have amah, won't cook

Lately as many of you already know, I've started to cook my own food, saving a trip to the nearest Japanese eatery for my own. Only that to my horror, I discovered that some of my younger cousins have also been doing kitchen stuff, more advanced than what I'm doing right now.

I sense a pattern: those kids are currently living without a housemaid to cook for them. When their parents are busy, they have to fix their own food. Also, thanks to the AFC (Asian Food Channel), everyone young and old are starting to go back to the kitchen and spruce up their own morsels. I'm amazed by these youngsters. I guess life may be worth living more when you pick the hard route.

What about my progress? On the upside, I've found a place that sells Japanese ingredients and also got a tamagoyaki pan now, but I have a mom who hates Japanese food and forces me to eat what she cooks on top of ridiculing me all the time so it's been very tough.

I'm a total idiot in the kitchen (as well as everywhere else I'm afraid) but I'm trying to learn more. Only that I'm choosey with who my teachers are.

Going the mile

I've had a "safe" mentality since I was very young, because I fear pushing myself and getting nothing - even losing something - in return.

"If you don't buy the ticket you don't win the raffle," football commentators say. But I have such shit luck that I'll never win it even if I buy thousands of tickets.

But what is luck? There are some people in this world who do not believe in luck. "The more I practice, the luckier I got," said a famous golfer. Others coined luck as Learning Using Correct Knowledge.

But I can't imagine myself doing something that takes a lot of effort, even though there is a big reward at the end, because I don't believe that I will achieve such reward, and fall flat on my face while people laugh at me. I've long been and will always be a failure, because I have tasted enough failures till I don't even bother to compete anymore.

Maybe this is why I don't see where my talents are (if I ever had any) because I've been second-best all my life. Everytime I do something I will go "someone else can do better". There are always unbelievably talented people at every corner, people that humble you and put you in your place whenever you start to feel good about yourself. These people slap you in the face when you smile. And if you are REALLY that awesome in something, you may be a total idiot in another. There is no perfect person in this world, and those who aim towards it are fools.

I hope I can survive in the working world. Being the immature and hard-headed piece of trash I was at school, I was even suicidal - but I saw where I did wrong as time passed, so you can't accuse me of not growing up. The question now is, am I mature enough to face the next challenge?

I seek pity from others because I have none of that coming from me - I have no self-belief. Because I repeat mistakes I've sworn not to do again. That's the biggest thing I hate about myself, more than my looks or my other inabilities. I never learn from my mistakes. I can grow up, and get things right a million times inbetween, but I will eventually make that mistake I had done the previous a million and one turns before.

I'm sorry for being human. So should you. Especially with people who aim for perfection around.