Some self-loathing

I sometimes feel really low.

As a troubled youth in my high school years there were many bad thoughts and actions - self-hate, paranoia, self-mutilation, even suicide, and shrinks had never worked for me.

Now there are so many reasons to think those thoughts again. I've got no job, I rely on people, my friends all have gone, I've got no connections, my childhood sweetheart isn't returning my calls.

But there's always this huge light shining all the darkness around me: the light from the Land of the Rising Sun. Japan gives me a purpose to live. Even if in my lifetime I shall never set foot there, learning everything I can about Japan drives me on each passing day.

That unfortunately makes me distant from everyone I know, nobody understands me. Nobody likes what I like. At the least, I talk to people who watch fansubs but I myself stopped watching anime, much less having it translated.

It probably feels like I don't try. I don't feel the need to. Like in middle school, I like being alone. Don't get me wrong I love people and to social but I feel inadequate to be doing so. I'm extremely sensitive with being played around.

I'm a weird and messed-up individual. Don't you feel sad you know this guy?